Leaning into the great Unknown.

Since my Journey with the medicine vine Ayahuasca nearly two weeks ago I’ve had a very powerful shift in my perspective on my life and life in general.

Part of my intention of going into ceremony in the first place was to discover most clearly what was blocking me from truly stepping into my own personal and professional power. I got a pretty heavy duty answer to my question, but now I’m asking ,” what do I do with this new knowledge & insight?”

Now that I see that FEAR, and the fear of being abandoned ( which translates to- being without community, being without  understanding from others, feeling a sense of not  belonging , feeling like an outsider) has been ruling my life, the question is what do I do now?

I was having a great deal of overwhelm and anxiety in my reintegration process back into  my life post aya journey . I was having the most powerful and vivd dreams of my life, it seemed like every thing that has ever hurt inside me was brought to the surface all at once and I was having a hard time being with that. I was doing what I always have done , and thats figure it all out NOW.

I was going about my life as if this major freaking thing had not just taken place inside me, I was trying to control the experience after it happened and go about being who I was before I did it.

Instead of these intense feelings getting easier, they started getting worse. I even reached out for help from a facilitator ( one who helps run the aya ceremony journey)to make sure I was not going off the deep end.

He informed me of what I had known intuitively , that this was not uncommon for someone who had a very deep and intense experience with the medicine. But I was grumpy about it cuz I went into this to be happier, not more insane then when I went into it.

So I did what I do best, I got in the bathtub and I let myself cry and feel, and let go..

The answer appeared , I was still trying to approach everything from the exact same mindset I had before the ceremony . I was for the first time in my life unable to analyze and figure my way out of this feeling place.

My mind kept feeling like it was drawing one big major blank after another.

The only answer I could come up with about what to do next with my life was

” I DON’T KNOW!!”

And it dawned on me, this is the best answer I’ve ever gotten. This is where I am needing to start. I am in the space of not knowing , and my work begins here. I was so admit about filling up the space that had been opened in me through my ayahuasca journey that I was causing myself panic attacks. Who am I when I’m not knowing?

I’m very attached to having the answers, I like knowing things. I’m very good at knowing things and being full of ideas and answers.  There are plenty of things I don’t know, such as how to preform brain surgery, how to solve complex mathematical problems, how to bake a cake.. But these not knowings fall in the realm of choice and study, skill, and interest.

When it comes to me , my journey , my passions I am full of ideas, and I feel very knowledgable. But here I sit, BLANK.

Now my work begins , now I learn how to not know. I learn to sit in the discomfort of uncertainty. For the last few days I’ve been doing nothing~ meaning, simply sitting with this open space inside me and not trying to put anything inside it.

I for the first time am willing to see what unfolds without needing to figure it all out.

This is my job , this is part of what the source of energy that I met in my journey was telling me repeatedly~ SURRENDER.

Surrender to Not Knowing. It’s safe to be in the space of uncertainty, of infinite possibilities. I don’t have to get it all done right now, everything doesn’t have to be figured out and solved now.

I have no idea what the next step is on my journey through life. I have no idea what I’m going to do in regards to my work with women and the self love journey, I have no clue what I’m doing now. This is huge!!

I’ve been so tightly wound about my life and having to figure it out and have a plan that I’ve been unable to have access to my full capacity for joy, pleasure, play..

My work with self love began as I realized I was very, very ,very hard on myself all the time. I had an inner slave driver that was relentless. Even though to the outside world I looked like a relaxed person, I was extremely uptight.

When I was finally able to see that I didn’t need to punish myself in order to grow and be the person I knew I could be, I was able to begin my journey of love and healing.

And here I am 8 years after this realization, and I see how that slave driver has been tamed, but she is has learned sneaky tactics and maneuvers .

I still feel the call of perfection, of knowing it all, of being on top of my game, of pushing and pushing myself to grow and be better.

Not Knowing and sitting in open space filled with no answer or direction is very weird for me. But I have seen and felt things that cannot be unseen and unfelt. I know that the answer is to let go. Stop trying so hard to figure out everything and find a way to let it be.

This is the opposite of ” DOING”. I now learn how to let MYSELF BE.

My Mission should I choose to except it is~ the mission of allowing the unknown into myself and sitting within it’s fast expanse with awe and wonder.

Much Love~ Amber

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