Embracing My Weirdness & Shifting My Focus On Social Media

I have been in a really weird place now for awhile. I was in a funky space pre-Ayahuasca and now everything that was on my mind before I did it has exploded into my full fucking awareness. It’s like I unlocked my filter system and now I can’t be distracted from anything that has been on my mind. Every thought that has challenged me, every belief I’ve struggled with…they are all in the forefront of my mind.

All I can do is let it all come and do my best to navigate the sometimes overwhelming sea of feelings, thoughts, and sometimes very dark and heavy emotions.

Ayahuasca seems to have gone into my soul, my deepest memories, my past, my deepest pains and dragged it all straight into the forefront of my reality. I asked for this and now here it is. Ask and you shall receive. It’s not all “BAD”. It’s only different and something I’m not used to at this level of intensity.

I’m seeing myself and life in a new way. I have such a different perspective on who I have been. I feel like something has been deleted in me, some version of myself, and now I’m feeling a bit lost as I don’t quite know myself the way I thought I did.

It’s like the death experience I had during my Aya journey did actually kill some part of me. I feel a loss, but at the same time I feel like the part of me that has dissolved was a part of me that was no longer serving my highest good on my life journey.  But as with any identity shift it can be a time of confusion and discovery.

I’ve been deep into the heart of some of my biggest (emotional) pain in my life, and I am seeing it and feeling it from a new place, shifting my understanding of myself and my life in a big and surprising way.

I feel that I’m really coming to terms with myself as an introvert. Realizing the pain and struggle I had around this part of my identity. I feel more comfortable now with this part of myself. I feel far less guilt and stress around being someone who truly needs insane amounts of time to herself.

I see how this part of me has been sooo misunderstood and how it has hurt many people who couldn’t understand my need for solitude. I had no idea how to voice my needs in this area for a very long time, and in that journey I know people felt I was shutting them out. As I come to terms and better understand my own needs and feelings it is far easier for me to express clearly to others who I am and feel far more ease and acceptance in my introverted nature.

I see how those who are not introverted have a really hard time comprehending the real needs of those who are really truly introverted. I have a hard time understanding those who don’t need more downtime and can spend countless hours with people and then not feel totally drained.

I’m also really shifting my relationship with social media, namely, FACEBOOK.

Facebook is a double-edged sword for me. On one side, I love it for seeing into peoples’ lives and being able to connect even while being alone and being my introverted self. On the other side, it feels super-impersonal, isolating, and these days its feeling full of fear and endless, bad fucking news.

I mostly walk away from my Facebook interactions feeling depleted, depressed, and overall pretty shitty.

So I  deleted Facebook from my phone, which has been a new and wonderful world. I feel I am spending so much more time with my own thoughts and feelings and not constantly taking in a million different people’s thoughts and feelings about every subject all freaking day.

I am now only allowing myself about 10 minutes every few days on Facebook. This has greatly increased my overall feelings of happiness, contentment, and peace. I don’t feel I want to leave Facebook full stop, but this new way of approaching it thus far has really had noticeable positive affects on me and my overall quality of life. It’s hard to admit to myself how much time I must have been spending on it to notice such a major difference in spending less time on it.

I feel so deeply that I need to reconnect with my OWN VOICE, to feel my own thoughts and feelings, to follow my own inner-guidance instead of listening to everyone else tell me how to live, feel, eat, dress, love,  and pray!

I feel this is the time of embracing my own personal way of approaching life no matter how much it may differ, disappoint, confuse, or otherwise annoy others. I feel this is the time for me to learn to hear myself over the endless stream of noise coming from every direction in our world.

I have the answers I am seeking. I know whats best for me and I can listen to and follow my intuition and wisdom to come to all my own conclusions about pretty much anything. This is the time of embracing the unknown in me, embracing the weirdness, embracing the fear, and diving in with arms wide open ready to take it all in. This is my time to practice the magnificent and divine art of being ME!

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